On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
