I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
