whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
