Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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