Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Randomize
