the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
