i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
