The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
