He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
