Jerry, you need to find god
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
