I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
