I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
We are two peas in an std pod
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Shitshow foam night was such a success
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
