Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
