I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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