Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
