Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
