I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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