ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
