Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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