I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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