you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
