remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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