You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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