The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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