At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Randomize
