He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
