today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
