evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
