btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
