What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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