Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize
