Pants 0. Shit 1.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
