We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
