apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
