Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
