I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
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