I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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