Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
The convent might be a nice break from real life
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