Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
