Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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