Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Randomize
