I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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