Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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