I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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