You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
