I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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