i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
