Pants 0. Shit 1.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
