I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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