I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
