I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
