Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
