We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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