I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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