I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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